Yesterday, I was watching the first game of the Sixers-Heat Playoff series. Chris Bosh, who looks like a brother from James Cameron’s Pandora planet, manned up. I am afraid it is going to be a tough series for the Philly team. At least the Sixers are respectable once again, after several years of being pathetic. We’ll see how the Sixer’s do at home, where they are a much better team. Home-Court advantage. Speaking of pathetic, one of the commercials yesterday on TV during the game was that new one that has the Liteguards who are being trained to save mens’ summers from bad beer.
The one thing that the big brewers have on the microbreweries are the sexy girls in TV commercials. Some of the commercials can be witty but more often than not, it portrays men as adolescent-acting clowns. And women as either sarcastic and snarky mean girls, or Freudian mommies, or busty bimbos. All beautiful. It is practically Orwellian 1984ish where the language used is precisely opposite from what is actually happening. Man up? How about man down? Great taste…huh? It is Lite beer, neutered specifically to have no taste. The vortex bottle? What is its design purpose? Existential Inanity. The Liteguards, a rip-off from bouncy body-parts Baywatch, are more like the Sirens of Greek Mythology, drawing men to the rocks of destruction of all that is truly manly. If I was one of the Dad’s of the girls in these lusty commercials, I would be embarrassed. “But Daddy, I am an actor.” Right.
You want to Man Up? Get rid of the Lite Beer.
I went with my wife (a real woman) to Wegman’s in Downingtown to check out their exquisite beer selection. We also sampled salami and cheeses for half an hour. My wife used to live in Princeton, New Jersey, and Wegman’s is where she used to shop weekly for groceries. Now, living in Lancaster, Pa., I take her on dates to Wegman’s yearly. She even took a picture of a fish with clear eyes (how one can tell how fresh a fish is? Examine the lack of cloudiness in the eyes). My wife caught herself in mid-snap of the picture and decried, “I am acting like a tourist.” I feel sorry for the poor girl. Moving to Lancaster, Pa., has been a real cultural demotion. Me? I prefer Redner’s. Until they closed in Columbia.
Here is some beer culture:
Belgian, European? Now, how pathetic is Lite Beer compared to these??? Like going to the Louvre.
Here is some Pennsylvania masterpieces (and speaking of Home-Court advantage):
Like DaVinci, Rembrandt, Matisse…
Sorry, the picture is not better. I was also starting to feel like a tourist…”But,” I felt like saying, “I have a microbrewery blog.” So, I rushed the pic but Photoshop was able to sharpen it up quite a bit.
Wegman’s is able to sell beer because they also serve food…I did get to my ounce limit and had to give Lina (my wife) the last two liters of Belgian to purchase. Pennsylvania beer laws reinforce the Big Brewers’ hegemony. Once other retails operations can sell beer, then the monopolistic containment of craft breweries will be breached.
Look at the puny section for the Big Boys at Wegman’s…a mere trickle.
May the waves come and clear the beaches of this Liteguard drivel. It should be mocked because it is pathetic…