The Temperamental Wit: A Belgian Play in 3 Acts

It all started with a boiling pot (see above). From here, the writing is going to have to take over because I was so pissed that I deleted all of the rest of the pictures from my lap top. I still have them on my iPhone but I just don’t want to do all of the monkeying around to post them here. Take my word for it (literally), this is the way that it went down. I have pictures…even though I am too lazy to post them. You will understand why if you read on. Picture of boiling pot remained because I did not see it on my desktop.

All great stories have the three acts below:

1) Introduction: All of the characters introduced and the task at hand is to brew a Belgian Wit at 1/4 of the price of a Microbrewery: Me, the homebrew kit for Belgian Wit, the equipment. Me, the Protagonist, have already brewed without incident a Dubbel, a Trippel, and a Quad. This brewing is seasonal and quarterly . Simply, the colder it gets, the higher the ABV (Alcohol By Volume). Hence, the hotter, the lighter the brew.

2) The Complication: I bottle the brews after using the Hydrometer. Directions from supply house indicate that once the Hydrometer reads this level, I am good to bottle. Bottles promptly start to explode like fireworks. 9 soldiers lost. I take compensatory action after the first wave of explosions conclude and deeply chill the rest of the Belgian Beer Battalion in my Beer Fridge Bunker. Rep states that if I get them cool enough, the bottles should not explode. No admission by Rep for faulty directions on Homebrewing instructions. I have it in writing.   Once beers are cold, no further explosions of shard and glass. Yet, when I pop a brew, all contents rapidly evacuate bottle like a Bat out of Hell. I make the mistake of opening one inside and spray 1/3 of kitchen surfaces (ceiling, walls, counters, & floors with beer). Fortunately, wife is on business trip. Damage is only superficial. Phew.

3)  The Resolution –  I opt to open the bottles outside and empty what remains after the explosive foam sprays into Columbia (a borough four miles away) the remaining Belgian Wit into the Priming Container. Then I rebottle. Soon, I discover that the brew is flat as Kansas. I go into a deep funk and a diet and a two week vacation to the West Coast wondering what I am going to do with a case of Kansas Flats Microbrewery. I return tonight to find, because of the remaining sugars and yeast in the surviving bottles, that the Belgian Wit has recarbonated itself to my great joy.

Let us not forget the 9 soldiers who were causalities of this affair. And drink to them. They would consider that an appropriate memorial.  Rest In Peace.


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